I started this Iteration on February 29th—Leap Day—and for me it was a good day, which, frankly, I really needed. In the last Iteration, I talked about how difficult 2023 was for me and in the week or so since I shared it a lot has happened. Probably the biggest thing is that I’ve started going to therapy. I’ve danced around it for a long time and I think it just got to a point where I could no longer keep pretending that everything was okay—that I was okay— and that whatever was “wrong” with me, I could either fix it or just keep pushing it down. Neither of which is true, of course.
If, like me, you were a child in the 70s, you likely grew up watching Peanuts. One of the staple bits was Lucy repeatedly convincing Charlie Brown that this time would be different, and she would absolutely not yank the football away at the last minute, sending Charlie Brown flying through the air, only to land flat on his back again. I can relate, and I’ve racked up too many days, weeks, and months feeling like I’m flat on my back, not moving towards better. I may not always be sliding back to worse, whatever that might mean, but I definitely don’t feel better—at least not for any significant length of time. There are spikes, of course, where I have a good day or two, maybe even a week, but it seldom lasts very long. When my friend Doug would ask me how I was doing, I would regularly reply, “hovering between a four and a six.” More often than not, it was closer to four and, honestly, it’s exhausting to be sad or angry or anxious all the time. It often leaves me feeling like I’m swimming in molasses, and not in any particular direction or towards a specific goal, because I can’t get my head above the surface to even see where I am or where I want to go.
I took a bunch of notes during my recent therapy session and there were two recurring themes that came up as homework for me to start thinking about and working on: stop using the word “should” and learn to be kinder to myself. Trying not to use should so often is something I’ve actually been reading about, though apparently I still have some work to do. Should is inherently negative and tends to reinforce what we’re not doing. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition of the word should is:
“Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.”
But it doesn’t just apply when we’re talking to others. If I was to say something like, “I should read more,” the rest of the thought is likely to be “…but I don’t.” My therapist suggested using “could” or “want”, which are not only more positive, but they also allow me (us) to really think about what we do or don’t want and prioritize accordingly.
As for being kinder to myself, that’s going to be a longer process. As critical as I can be of others, I am much more critical of myself. I’ve beat the shit out of myself emotionally for years to a point that it’s become a default—and the thing is, I often recognize it, but I do it anyway. There’s a whole guilt/shame spiral that I’ve sort of perfected when it comes to my own self-worth. In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes, “Learning to love and be kind to ourselves is a lifelong journey.” The tapes that trip me up are old—many of them have been on repeat for years. In fact, they’re some of the biggest reasons that I finally decided to go to therapy. I need to develop new tools and maybe even a new emotional language that I can apply to myself so that I can break some of those patterns and start to be kinder to myself. It’s only been a couple of sessions, but I’m already allowing myself to feel hopeful about the path before me. I wouldn’t say that a weight has been lifted just yet, but I think I can see a way forward, and I’m willing to put the time and the effort into seeing where it leads.
On the creative side, I’ve actually been busy photographing my paintings ahead of making originals and prints available for purchase. And while I’m cautiously optimistic, as I said in the last Iteration, if my work doesn’t sell it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean that it’s bad or uninteresting. It just means that the right person didn’t see it. I know a ton of photographers and artists who either don’t sell a lot of work or don’t sell nearly as much as they used to, and it has zero to do with the quality of the work. There are simply too many variables that are outside our control. But what I do know is that I’ll never sell anything if I don’t make it available. Like my therapist told me: “Start with where you are, not where you’ve told yourself you should be and focus on what works, not what might not work.” I told her that’s easier said than done, especially when I feel like such a mess most of the time. “But you’re an interesting mess,” she said. I can work with that.
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Thanks for reading.
Why is it so hard to be kind and love ourselves?
Even though I often don’t comment, I wanted to let you know that your thoughts and words resonate very much with me. I find
myself in similar situations or have the same problems and your perspective and words help me.
I wanted to thank you for your iterations and I hope you will continue to share your journey here. I really appreciate your work! Thank you!
Proud of you. ❤️