I totally get that. The urge to serve something bigger as you call it. Before I became an artist I was a social worker. A job where you have a purpose. You help people, your work is important and needed. At least it feels that way. Being an artist I sometimes miss the feeling of being needed and having an impact on people and society. Yes, I know art is important for our culture and society, but it is on a less obvious level. Especially during the pandemic the feeling of not being helpful to society was very real.
I said it before, I really enjoy your iterations. They are honest, deep and personal, but they also make you think about your own situation. Whatever you decide to change in your life, I hope you keep doing these iterations.
To continue the analogy, I think a lot of us don't have a main storyline. We have about 7 games going on at one time, each with their own storylines: the Career game, the Family game, the Life Experiences game, etc. And these games get serious overhauls with new DLC every 7 years or so. It's all a bit too much to contextualize from only one perspective.
There's so much to juggle in each game, new DLC to adapt to, that we can only do what we can do. My only question for myself is, am I neglecting any of these games, or am I at least chipping away on getting better so I can level up? That way, there's less pressure to follow any one narrative because they're all important in their own way.
No, I’m not living the main story of my life. I thought I was but serious depression after a traumatic event in 2014 set me into a spiral where I questioned every decision I made. I’m an artist, and have been for my whole life. But the depression, which thankfully has since improved, knocked me off balance and now I’m not sure what I’m doing, why I’m making (other than feeling compelled) or what to do at all. I’m terrified to show my work, I know none of it fits together or is part of a body of work, and most feels like trash.
I struggle and struggle to find myself, my voice. I feel like I’m circling something that is just out of reach. I’m not sure what it is, or if I’m close to finding or touching, but I’m very tired of feeling adrift.
It just occurred to me that maybe life is like the Choose Your Own Adventure books, and the point of the whole story is to try all the different paths? I never played video games other than Pac-Man, so I don’t know how they compare to video games, but those books were fantastic.
I appreciate your posts. Perhaps writing here and putting it out into the universe will help you discover your main quest.
I‘ve lived a life of structure. That alignment and conformity has served to provide great comfort when I doubted myself. That same structure has also made me fear ambiguity and experimentation. I don’t know which is better but I do appreciate the journey I’ve taken and I’m working hard to inject less rigidity and replace it with more side quests.
Thanks for your posts. I deeply appreciate the genuine approach you take. Pairing the writing with the voice over really works for me too. I read and listen to both.
Take a Re-listen to Steve Jobs Stanford Graduation Speech. In particular note his first of three stories that he tells. It’s “you can’t connect the dots going forward” Perhaps you might see something in there for you. Perhaps like Jobs his interest in calligraphy which paid off when developing the Mac, perhaps there’s something up ahead for you that will pull it all together. What I like about Jobs speech is his optimism. It served him well. Don’t lose yours. Best Roger
I totally get that. The urge to serve something bigger as you call it. Before I became an artist I was a social worker. A job where you have a purpose. You help people, your work is important and needed. At least it feels that way. Being an artist I sometimes miss the feeling of being needed and having an impact on people and society. Yes, I know art is important for our culture and society, but it is on a less obvious level. Especially during the pandemic the feeling of not being helpful to society was very real.
I said it before, I really enjoy your iterations. They are honest, deep and personal, but they also make you think about your own situation. Whatever you decide to change in your life, I hope you keep doing these iterations.
To continue the analogy, I think a lot of us don't have a main storyline. We have about 7 games going on at one time, each with their own storylines: the Career game, the Family game, the Life Experiences game, etc. And these games get serious overhauls with new DLC every 7 years or so. It's all a bit too much to contextualize from only one perspective.
There's so much to juggle in each game, new DLC to adapt to, that we can only do what we can do. My only question for myself is, am I neglecting any of these games, or am I at least chipping away on getting better so I can level up? That way, there's less pressure to follow any one narrative because they're all important in their own way.
No, I’m not living the main story of my life. I thought I was but serious depression after a traumatic event in 2014 set me into a spiral where I questioned every decision I made. I’m an artist, and have been for my whole life. But the depression, which thankfully has since improved, knocked me off balance and now I’m not sure what I’m doing, why I’m making (other than feeling compelled) or what to do at all. I’m terrified to show my work, I know none of it fits together or is part of a body of work, and most feels like trash.
I struggle and struggle to find myself, my voice. I feel like I’m circling something that is just out of reach. I’m not sure what it is, or if I’m close to finding or touching, but I’m very tired of feeling adrift.
It just occurred to me that maybe life is like the Choose Your Own Adventure books, and the point of the whole story is to try all the different paths? I never played video games other than Pac-Man, so I don’t know how they compare to video games, but those books were fantastic.
I appreciate your posts. Perhaps writing here and putting it out into the universe will help you discover your main quest.
I‘ve lived a life of structure. That alignment and conformity has served to provide great comfort when I doubted myself. That same structure has also made me fear ambiguity and experimentation. I don’t know which is better but I do appreciate the journey I’ve taken and I’m working hard to inject less rigidity and replace it with more side quests.
Thanks for your posts. I deeply appreciate the genuine approach you take. Pairing the writing with the voice over really works for me too. I read and listen to both.
Take a Re-listen to Steve Jobs Stanford Graduation Speech. In particular note his first of three stories that he tells. It’s “you can’t connect the dots going forward” Perhaps you might see something in there for you. Perhaps like Jobs his interest in calligraphy which paid off when developing the Mac, perhaps there’s something up ahead for you that will pull it all together. What I like about Jobs speech is his optimism. It served him well. Don’t lose yours. Best Roger